Shut up and...

I drove past by this huge field yesterday and had this really funny realization about myself. I really wanted to be out in the middle of the field on a four wheeler, riding around behind an incredibly cute driver, and not even so much about the boy, but driving around really fast sounded fantastic, and I'm sure the boy would love it. Even if only so he could show off.

I was listening to this song. Taking it very literally. It seemed to fit with the image in my head. And then I started listening to the words.

Stupid Rihanna.

My Life Is Average

Krista just got me into this kick (again. I can thank Bridian for the original), this kick being reading the website and saying "My life is average" after ridiculous things happen.

I really laugh out loud every time I read the website. Today, my son's friend came over, they are both 4 years old. I was trying to manage my 5 other children and holding my 2 month old son at once. I yelled out, "This is madness!" In unison, I heard"THIS. IS. SPARTA!" and the 4 year olds ran away. MLIA. My kind of humor. I love it.

So I wrote this whole post about the goofy things I've done/have happened to me in the last month or so, how I talk too much about just the fun things I do, how I tend to exaggerate...
I completely changed my mind. The true inspiration for this post came from a text I wasn't expecting from one of my friends from home, who's currently in New York, playing a harmonica while wandering the streets.

So what were you up to last night? I heard some rumors...

I was so excited to answer this text. I thought about the night before and realized, because of the great people I have in my life, how well the day before came to a close. So I started to tell him. But a question like that? You can't just give a straight answer.

Kite flying. Probably til almost midnight, it was a little scandalous...

I am proud to say that no part of that was a lie, or even a stretch. We did fly kites. We didn't even own the kites much before 10pm. It got scandalous- we had a little Mermaid kite and a Buzz Lightyear kite. What Disney doesn't tell you... We came home. And then after kite flying with two fantastic friends, I fell asleep talking to my best friend hours after that.

I'm still sitting on my bed in my pajamas, it's getting close to noon, but I haven't felt like I've wasted the morning- it started with a bowl of Marshmallow Mateys. In a Mickey Mouse mug, because the cup was cool, and I just didn't want to use a bowl.

My life is average.

In The Spirit of Thanksgiving

I was going through the Mormon Messages channel on youtube when I came across the video "In The Spirit Of Thanksgiving."
Love the Church.

So I'm a little behind, since Thanksgiving was last week. And of course this video has been online for two months. I am a little behind on Mormon Messages... But gratitude isn't something specific to November, as the life of the Savior, pointedly his birth, isn't specific to December. I love that responses to the question, "What are you thankful for?" were recorded as people gave them; they are completely unscripted, so we get to see exactly what things, seemingly significant or insignificant, stick out to people as most important in their lives. Donuts. Family. Intelligent conversation. Weather. Opportunities. Macaroni and cheese. Jobs. Health. Beds. I don't think about my life like that. I'm thankful someone does! Instead, I allow my list of things for which I do not (willingly, often) express gratitude to get much bigger and more pressing. In the talk that the clip incorporated, Elder Oaks reminds us of our ample reason to express gratitude, and in his list of things to be grateful for, he makes no mention of anything tangible, not even anything as specific as our families. He lists four things that incorporate anything of eternal significance and nothing more: Our Savior, Jesus Christ; revealed truths; commandments; and afflictions.

When we understand this principle, that God offers us opportunities for blessings and blesses us through our own adversities and the adversities of others, we can understand why He has commanded us again and again to “thank the Lord thy God in all things” (D&C 59:7).
Dallin H. Oaks, “Give Thanks in All Things,” Ensign, May 2003, 95

We have been so incredibly blessed! I'm thankful for the reminder that I need to be grateful for all things. Even adversity.

You know, gray’s my favorite color.

Some days I get this strange desire to write. Not just anecdotal humor from the goofy events of my life, but more like I’m stifling a poet, starving her of the chance to actually be allowed to write for the sake of writing. Stifling. It’s intentional. I don’t need any more reasons to be introverted, so I smother her. That same girl who cries about everything , wants to be a princess, loves pink, knows that her Dad will always be the biggest man in the world, and believes in fairytales (you know, real ones).

But for whatever reason, I never was that girl. Not a big deal, it's just not who I was. I never cried about anything. Princesses didn’t play with legos, Ninja Turtles, or Curtis and Carl. I hate pink. My dad… well, he will always be the biggest man in the world. I’ve yet to meet someone bigger than him. But fairytales were silly- I mean, come on, let’s be realistic. Just like writing. Seriously? I’ll tell you about the "foreboding" clouds- variations in pressure cause them to accumulate, the accumulation blocks the sun, humidity changes, and sometimes it thunders. Call it whatever you want, that’s what happens. Simple as that.

And then I have days like yesterday.

I felt so symbolic yesterday. If I knew Picasso…

I would buy a guitar. I would play. This kind of odd mood is great for getting me back into songwriting.

It was odd. Odd for me, anyway. As I drove home from work, the sky was exactly what I was feeling. It was raining. Nothing too crazy, heavier than a drizzle, but not the usual Florida downpour. The kind of rain that requires wipers, but on a low setting, just to be safe, but the sky was not the customary gray. It was a beautiful blue. The sun was shining brightly, as if to remind you that for as miserable a day as the rain made it seem, there really was nothing to worry about. You’ll get a little bit wet, but it will be over soon, and you can already see the sun smiling knowingly behind the clouds. Sometimes, I’m more than grateful for the visual of something much bigger than me, or the sun. The day did seem miserable. I could have given a million reasons for that, but none of them very good. Or really, even valid. It took a blue sky to convince me of the notion I’d had all day, but I just let it nag instead of giving it any real attention. And I wanted to write about the imagery. 1) I never think about imagery. 2) I don't write.

It’s reflecting on days like yesterday that bring me to the realization that I don’t have to stifle that other girl who doesn’t seem to be me. I can cry about things without bawling my eyes out over spilled milk. I can want to be treated like a princess without wanting to wear frilly dresses. I can be okay with chance moods of poetic imagery without fearing becoming a psycho-introvert who trades pages and pens for human interaction.

And I certainly won’t ever be lost in fairytale land, but that doesn’t mean I can’t wish for one and believe it really can happen. Within reason, of course.

My sister was having me critique her college application essays. She just handed me a stack, saying something along the lines of, "sorry if it's kind of a mess, these are first drafts, I'm over the word limit on all of them, and if I made some stuff up, don't hang me." I sorted through the stuff she made up, was amazed at her writing skills, and as I handed them back to her, I realized I'd missed one.

No sorting through creative liberties this time.

I love her.

"Who am I? I'm the opposite of my sister. She has brown hair and green eyes, offsetting my blond hair and blue eyes. She's short; I outgrew her years ago. But our differences are deeper. She's outgoing, but keeps friends at a distance. I'm selective but confide everything in the friends I have. She's lively on weekends; I curl up with my book. She's lackadaisical when I literally cry over spilled milk. She excelled in high school. I learned the hard way. She waddles like a duck; I strut like a peacock. I love making lists that she loves to lose. I aced AP English, she bested AP Biology. She writes Spanish poetry; I create monologues. She's overbearing, and I'm painfully shy... We both struggle with emotions; I vocalize volumes and she expresses excerpts. We are different. The hardest thing I learned is that 'different' isn't unequal. I spent years measuring up to her until I learned better. She's no longer the sister people like best, but my best friend, the way I define myself, my equal, and the mirror where I find who I really am."

A Pattern For Success

I'm a science/math-minded person. I like to look at trends in things, looking for patterns- patterns in the way a room is designed, patterns in the way businesses are run, patterns in the events that happen throughout the day or week, patterns in the way people do things. I'm trying to make rules for the way things happen. That’s what my science and math teachers have taught me, and I like that trend, I want absolute rules that apply to every situation. Odd, because for as much as I like to make rules, I hate to have to follow any myself. I like to think I'm unpredictable, so I sometimes try to vary any repetitive activity, doing it in as different a way as possible so I won't be predictable, which is a sort of rule, which makes me exactly what I didn't want to be in the first place.

Even more odd, though, is the fact that I usually do things so unconventionally by accident. Often because I think too hard about it. I think about the millions of things related to some small, simple decision. I imagine intense repercussions from reactions I wasn't expecting, whether positive or negative, and in trying to plan for my response to that, I end up making a decision based on a reaction I don't actually know that I'll be given. Sick, huh? And that's just the small stuff. Big decisions- Forget it.

But I digress.

Patterns. I look for patterns because, apart from rules, I want to find consistency, and, once I've found it, learn from it. I'm very quickly becoming aware of the fact that there are not always patterns in every single part of everyday life. Because the gospel is centered on four basic principles, however, everything we learn can be tied to those principles. A couple of weekends ago I attended my home stake conference for the first time in what seems like years. I really enjoyed stake conference, and most of the reasons I enjoyed it related to finding patterns. Most of the speakers were people I've known for years, and it was comforting to see their styles of presenting their information consistent with their character and personalities, even though I haven't seen them since the last time I was at least our stake conference. Even those whom I didn't know as well showed patterns consistent with the little bit I did know about them. The pattern I found in the theme of the stake conference was what was most interesting. At the beginning of the adult session, our stake president explained that the entire conference would be focused on “planning”. During the adult session, this theme was made obvious by every speaker; each explained his or her topic, how planning related directly, and spent their time teaching about the correlation. The general session speakers, however, were not nearly as direct. Each speaker was assigned or chose to speak on almost completely different things; I loved finding how the theme of planning fit with each one.

That night, Sister Dalton spoke at the CES fireside. She spoke of the need to return to virtue, explaining that this "is the run of [our] lives,"(similar themes as her talk given at the General Young Women Meeting), and we need to encourage the return of our society to moral purity and chastity. If we don't do it, who will?

It was a fantastic fireside, and I came away from it trying to link all of the things that had been taught the last few days, and then, make it fit with my life. Besides applying the label "Gospel truths," I struggled.

And then I came across "Living Right" by Elder Scott. After he introduces his topic, explaining his desire to share some lessons with us that will help us in our own lives, he lays out what he calls, “A Pattern for Success.” I love when we’re given just what we’re looking for. But it is much, much better than just using the same word I was using.

Elder Scott reminds us of the principles upon which faith is based, and then expounds on each, explaining the vital significance and how it relates to building and maintaining our character. I found it interesting that Elder Scott even used some of the phrases I used in my own thinking, even that I used in this post, and from it we learn:

"The pattern of the Lord is for His children to make decisions based upon eternal truth. This requires that your life continue to be centered in the commandments of God. Thus, decisions are made in accordance with unchanging truths, aided by prayer and the guidance of the Holy Ghost. In addition to your own strength and capacity, you will enjoy divine inspiration and power when needed. Your actions will be predictable and will bless the lives of all in the circle of your influence. You will have a meaningful life of purpose, peace, and happiness… There is no guarantee that life will be easy for anyone. We grow and learn more rapidly by facing and overcoming challenges. You are here to prove yourself, to develop, and to overcome. There will be constant challenges that cause you to think, to make proper judgments, and to act righteously. You will grow from them. " Richard G. Scott, “Living Right,” Ensign, Jan 2007, 10–15

“Your actions will be predictable…” and will bless lives. I guess it's okay to be predictable :)

I would love to copy every point that Elder Scott makes and relate it to my life and express what a brilliantly inspired talk this is, but I think anyone who reads it will quickly learn that for themselves. Please read it. I don’t imagine the message he shares is any principle or idea we’ve never heard before, but his ability to deliver this message, specifically by the mantle of his calling as an apostle of the Lord, is the reason we need to hear it from him. Let the power of his testimony help strengthen us. That is exactly what it’s there to do.

Bridian.

I was sitting on my bed, reading stuff on my laptop, and Bridian was asleep next to me. Suddenly, she wakes up, looks at her phone, then throws it across the room into the wall.

"What did you do that for?"
"Facebook."
"What about Facebook frustrates you so much that throwing it against the wall would help?"
"If I try to go to the second page, it shuts off."

She's totally serious. I didn't think she was very awake or very aware of what she was doing, especially since her response didn't exactly merit any sort of intelligible reply, so I just laugh at her.

"I'm sure that will help."

So I went back to reading, and I started laughing at one part of the article I was looking at. Brid, who's now awake and paying slightly more attention, asks why I'm laughing. So I read her a part of the article about Murphy's and other related laws. Bridian then responds:

"What's weird to me is how I hit people."

What?

We started talking about how violent Bridian is. She explained how she hits people and smacks them for various injustices, and pinches them with her toes. She also explains how she doesn't allow people to touch her, or do any of the things she does to them.

"If people do that to me, I would throw them on the ground, stomp on their heads, and crush their hearts."

And then, before I have a chance to really react besides laughing so hard there are tears streaming down my face, Bridian picks up a book off the bed and chucks that across the room. She leaned over and grabbed the screen of my laptop, but she decided to let go. Without crushing my heart.

I'm really not sure how to react to any of this. I told her about one time she actually threatened to throw my laptop across the room and I was terrified that she would actually do it. To this day, I know she would've. I don't know how I managed to defray her anger that day, but I have been thrown on the ground before. She went off again about how she beats on people, and I said, "You know, the funny thing is, you used to be such a shy little girl."

Bridian doesn't miss a beat. "I'm STILL shy. I'm just a devil to those I know!"

I made the mistake of telling her that I quote her in my gmail status. I randomly attributed some quote to her the other day because I found it in some forward she sent me and it didn't have an author. So I credited it to her. I told her that. "I quote you on my gmail status. The most recent: Happiness is an unexpected hug. -Brid." "HOMOPHOBE!"

Common response from Bridian. I don't know how writing something that gay makes me afraid of homosexuals, but then, I know better than to question Bridian's wisdom. On pain of death.

I told her I would change it. She said, "You better change it, or I'll reach up your nose and rip your brains out your nostrils."

Now, with the explanation I just gave of how serious I take Bridian's threats, you would think that the next line would be "I peed my pants in fear." On the contrary. The only thing even remotely wet was my face. I'm still crying from laughing so hard. Bridian didn't really appreciate that response to her serious threat. She made some other grotesquely graphic and violent threat that I don't remember because I was trying to see my computer through my tears. While I don't fear for my safety, I'm still worried about my computer.

Bridian then said, "Am I getting better? Am I like Travis?" Travis, the infamous EFY counselor that was getting old my first session and was making wild and much worse grotesquely graphic and violent threats to his kids Brid's last year of EFY, said things like, "I'll skin you with a rusted potato peeler and roll your fleshless corpse down a driveway of salt" to the kids in his company.

"Yes, Bridian. You are getting better. Just like Travis." (said between gasps of breath, still trying desperately to be able to see normally and talk without dying.)

And then Bridian says, "I wonder if my phone works..."