A few days before I went into the MTC, I was asked to speak in our sacrament meeting in our ward in Florida. I struggled to pick just one topic, finally decided on humility, and mostly bawled through my talk, not actually feeling that I had any idea what I was about to do and feeling like I really understood humility, feeling more scared and unsure than I had ever felt in my life.
I was right about not having any idea about what I was about to do.
I was wrong about understanding humility.
So I embarked on the scariest but greatest adventure I have ever had in my life, and returning home, was faced with the same challenge of trying to decide how to describe the last 18 months of my life with just one common theme. I gave up. We’re talking about the gospel, it all fits, right?
One of the first things we teach every investigator, or even potential investigator, is about the plan of salvation. It is one of the first thing we learn in Primary, so it is very fitting that those, who aren’t familiar with the Gospel of Jesus Christ , learn of the love their Heavenly Father has for them through the plan He created for their happiness. We learn of our pre-earth life, the creation and the Fall, our life on this earth, and where we will go after our time here. We learn of the things required of us so that we can make it to live with our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and our families. And we learn that perfection is required, but not possible in this life on an individual level.
And then we talk about the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
Preach My Gospel teaches us,
Before the world was organized, our Heavenly Father chose Jesus Christ to be our Savior and Redeemer. The atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ made it possible for us to overcome the effects of the Fall.
I love the simplicity of the gospel. We have to pay a certain price and we physically cannot pay that price, so Heavenly Father provided a way for us to meet that end. He provided Jesus Christ. He provided that way that we may be made perfect. And not just for our sins.
One of my favorite scriptures about the Atonement we find in Alma 7 verses 11-12.
11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
This reference very quickly became a favorite to use when teaching about the Atonement. We understand that we need someone to make up the difference for the mistakes we make. When teaching children, we explained that if they broke a toy belonging to a sibling, they could find a toy to replace that which they broke, but what could they do about the tears their brother or sister cried? We can’t put those tears back. That is what the Savior does for us- He helps us to completely repent of our sins.
But what about the sibling with the tear-stained face? Maybe he is really hurt that someone could be so careless. Maybe she was really attached to that one toy that the new toy will never be. Maybe even though the new toy is in their hand doing exactly what the old toy did, that sibling doesn’t know how to let go of how badly it hurt that the original toy was broken.
I love in these verses in Alma that not once does it say that the Savior suffered for our sins. It doesn’t change the validity that the Atonement was indeed necessary to save us from our sins, but these verses aren’t about the sins we commit. It is about the pain we feel in this glorious challenge called mortality, and the opportunity we have to overcome it.
Though I knew of this truth before serving a mission, I was constantly amazed at just how much more I learned teaching than being taught. As we worked with different people, helping them understand the tools they have to accept the Savior and apply the Atonement in their lives, my testimony continued to be strengthened of these principles. When I first arrived in Portugal, we met a Brazilian woman, Mari, who had approached the missionaries and said, “I want to know more about your church.” She loved the lessons and loved attending church, but she had a very difficult time with some of the commandments. Sins are hard to let go of. It was an incredible process to watch her fight between her desire to follow the Savior and her desire to live the lifestyle she wanted. One day she just broke down. She was so tired of this internal battle she was fighting. Elder Robert D. Hales taught that pain brings us to a humility that allows us to ponder. We witnessed that with Mari. It was hard for her to submit her will to the Lord, but it led her to blessings far greater. She was baptized shortly after this breakdown day. But it left such a strong impression on me. She had to be brought to her knees, quite literally, to be able to accept that the Lord wanted better for her. I remember aching for her, and actually almost envying what she was going through. I remembered times in my life when I’d felt that, just a little bit, when brought to a point where I felt like I had nothing left and then the Lord reminded me just how much He loves me. I grew and stretched the most in those moments of my life, and I wanted to feel like she did. I wanted to let that Atonement work on me just as powerfully as she was letting it work on her. Just for a minute. I learned an important lesson on being careful of your desires, but we’ll talk about that later. I was so grateful for the opportunity to witness the miracle of the Atonement in her life, and that it had the happy ending of her casting away those sins and becoming a member of the church.
Even more than in the actual teaching opportunity, I learned mountains in the preparation. And not just in the related preparation, the plan-out-your-lessons-for-the-day-with-your-companion preparation. I realized that everything I experienced one day was preparing me for the next day. Everything. From the trial of needing to prepare a lesson on the spot to how to stop the resident hedgehog from eating your bookshelf. And everything that happened in my life before my mission needed to happen so that I could call on that experience to help me during my mission.
At the beginning of June, a year or so into my mission, I was having a hard day, for no particular reason, it seemed the adversary just chose to be harder on me some days and not as hard on others. I just didn’t want to struggle, I didn’t want to feel like I was the only person in the world, missionary or otherwise, who was feeling like that on that particular day. During our scripture studies that morning, I read a scripture in Helaman chapter 3.
Nevertheless they did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea, even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God.
I loved finding this scripture. We need to get stronger, and we do it by praying and fasting so that we may find consolation. Even for things that seem like they maybe shouldn’t bother us so much, but they do. We can use the Atonement to find that consolation.
Then I read the talk by Elder Kent F. Richards from Conference of April this year, “The Atonement Covers All Pain.” I had never felt like a talk applied so personally, like it was written specifically for me. So many things explained to me that I wasn’t alone, that anything I was going through was for my benefit, and the Lord’s perfect love for me would govern what would be best for me. A quote by Elder Orson F. Whitney stuck out to me the most:
No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility… It is through our sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.
I found such great comfort in those words. The Lord not only knows what we are going through but has them planned for us. Our individual plans of salvation are so specifically and carefully designed to cater to our specific strengths and weaknesses so that we might learn and grow to reach our goal of celestial glory. It was such a wonderful feeling to have the Spirit testify of those truths, and it turned my day around completely. It was still a hard day, but I had such a better outlook on what trials I would face, how I could face them with courage, grace, and faith.
Exactly three weeks later, I got a phone call that my family had been in a terrible car accident, and that I had lost my sister, Jada. Somewhere in the first few days, the initial shock, and talking to the rest of my family, I remembered having read this talk about the Atonement. I couldn’t imagine ever thinking anything was hard in my life before that moment, but I remembered the first line of the quote. No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It was very difficult to believe this, to even want to believe it, but every day of my mission had led me to a strong assurance that everything happens according to plan. Our Heavenly Father’s perfect plan. He knew I’d be in Portugal, He knew Jada would leave this life while I was far from her. So I was given a wonderful opportunity to learn another truth of which Elder Richards teaches.
The Savior is not a silent observer.
I feel like this is one of the most difficult lessons to learn in this life. To depend on the Savior, to believe that He truly did suffer for all of our suffering, and to accept His help when we feel that we’ve fallen, be it through our own sins or the pain of mortality. But it is a vital lesson to learn. And we have so many hands willing to help us do so.
I learned in that time what it truly means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. President Uchtdorf, in describing what it is to become a disciple of Jesus Christ, taught,
The more we are filled with the Spirit of God, the more we extend ourselves to others. We become peacemakers in our homes and families, we help our fellowmen everywhere, and we reach out in merciful acts of kindness, forgiveness, grace, and long-suffering patience.
I watched that in Portugal. I was carried through the first week after this tragedy by my mission president, his wife, the missionaries in our district, my companion, and the prayers and fasts of the entire mission. Members and companions with whom I had served in other areas poured in their love and support for me and my family. I was overwhelmed with the love that I was feeling, despite my overall state of shock and numbness to the outside world. Absolutely overwhelmed.
And then I heard what love was being shown to my family here.
Heavenly Father knew how badly I wanted to be here. He knew how much I wanted to be with my family through the whole ordeal of changes in family dynamics, the challenges of moving, and then to experience all of the pain I was going through at least at their sides helping them make it through. But He knew I would be across the ocean, and He knew of all the wonderful disciples of Jesus Christ, members and non-members alike, that were here (and still are here!) to help my family. To give of themselves, to reach out in merciful acts of kindness. I could never adequately even begin to express my gratitude for the love these people have shown my family, but deeper than that, for the example they have been to me of what it is to live the gospel of Jesus Christ and show that understanding of the Atonement by the way they live. My prayer is that we may all continue to feel those blessings.
We know that trials often require the virtue of patience, and understanding comes in pieces, not overnight. We learn more about the Savior and the Atonement as we continue to study and continue to endure faithfully. Elder Dallin H. Oaks taught,
Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.
Elder Richards then commented,
All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.” All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.” Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.
A week after the accident, I had started to get on my feet again and continue a missionary life. We were working with an investigator who found it difficult to believe in God while terrible things happen on this earth. Her son and husband joined the church, her son had served a mission and was serving as the bishop of that ward. Both have tried countless times to help her feel the Spirit and understand the truthfulness of the gospel, but she is still angry that tragedies have occurred in her life and continue in the world around her. The week after the accident, we were teaching about the plan of salvation. It was hard to say out loud all the truths I knew, all the things I´ve spent the last year or so teaching and my whole life learning, but just hadn´t had the courage or desire to really say out loud during that last week. It was easy to imagine in previous lessons how she must think we know nothing about the trials of life. But as we testified, as a representative of the Savior, that we know it´s true. we know we are here with purpose and we know our Heavenly Father loves us, the pain of losing my sister started to evaporate. Not just recede or diminish, but completely disappear. It didn’t change the fact that my family was still lying in a hospital in a city I’d never heard of, nor did it change the fact that Jada wouldn’t be there to hug me when I walked off the plane. But that pain was literally swallowed up in the healing balm of the Atonement. And our investigator was able to experience that with us. She didn’t suddenly overcome all of her doubts, fears, or reservations built on years of pain and worry, but she started to open up. She started, little by little, to accept that healing. I don’t know the outcome of her story, I left the area before we scheduled a baptism for her, but she felt that love of the Savior. She’s on her way down that path. She’ll make it someday.
When I was preparing to submit mission papers, I told my bishop that I was eager to serve because I wanted to share the healing message of the Atonement. Though I still feel that I know so little about something so incomprehensibly wonderful, I had no idea what I would learn myself about that gift.
And I am so grateful to have had this kind of opportunity.
