rewind and play.

Dear Bridian (and all the dear friends who will listen to her read this),

It´s kind of hard to know where to start. There´s so many things to say and feel and remember, and so many things I know I will forget to write down. If I were there (here), in person I could just adlib and throw in memories or thoughts as I was speaking, but then I'd probably be at the stand for hours, laughing about how much I love Jada and boring you all to death.

Good thing the Lord knew I'd have to do this by mail :)

Almost exactly a year before Jada´s death, I was sitting in class at the MTC, and while I don't remember what the conversation was or what our teacher was explaining, I wrote down, “Write to Jada. Pick virtues/attributes of Christ for each member of our family. Jada= Faith” and after that I wrote down some notes to remind me of the examples I wanted to give her. The first was of the day I went into the MTC. Mom and Jace and Kenyan and Aria went to pick up dad at the airport, and Jada and I were at home because Jada wanted to watch her movie and I don't know how to pack any earlier than the night before. Or the morning of. I had to run errands still, so I went to grab the keys to Grandpa´s truck and I couldn't find them. I called Grandpa, I searched every place I thought logical, still couldn´t find them. So I went to Jada.

“Hey, you want to run errands with me?”

“Sure.”

“K, first you have to help me find the keys.”

She walked over to the key rack, like, “oh my silly sister doesn't know where these people keep their keys,” and I said, “ Already looked there. They're not there.” And then she said, “Did you pray about it?” I was actually taken aback. Here I am, ready to go teach everyone in the world about how we should pray about everything and I had not even THOUGHT to ask for help. So we prayed. I was so impressed with her. I was also positive we would find the keys. There was not a doubt in my mind that Heavenly Father would answer that little girl´s prayer to show her how proud He was of her for showing so much faith. But then we didn't find the keys.

Jada said, “but we prayed about it!” I really was just as surprised as she was, so I offered, “Maybe Heavenly Father knows we don't really need to leave, and it will be okay that I don't run these errands.”

I can't say that the things we did in that extra time we had were some of the best memories I have of Jada- all I remember after that was her tormenting me with the movie she was watching that I didn't want to watch- but the brief but strong example of faith she showed me served to underline the strong example of faith she has always been and that her life always will be. It also taught me intense gratitude that Heavenly Father doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want, or even expect.

Other notes I wrote down were vague. General references to her childhood, spent in hospitals and all of the miracles of those few years. I was pretty little- I was 7 when she was born, and she was more consistently living at home before I was 10- but the number of times people fasted for her left me with a firm testimony of the power of fasting. I specifically remember when Mary Kunz wouldn't eat bagels with me for breakfast the morning of Jada´s open-heart surgery. When they announced over the intercom at school later that day that Jada was okay, it proved in my mind that Mary´s fast, along with my mom and my dad´s, was effective. “Fasting works!” And that was just one of many occasions. As I learned the faith required to fast and put that trust in God, I realized that Jada´s life was very much the result of the faith of those who loved her, and so it seems only natural that her life should reflect that.

In Alma 32:21 we learn, “faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.”

This, to me, explains Jada. Even as a tiny, sick little baby, she had a smile that lit up her whole body. It was hard to see her glow and not beam, much less believe in something bigger. I´m curious to know how many of the doctors and specialists thought more about God after they treated her. But that glow continued to grow as she did. Modern-day prophets teach us, “Faith is a principle of action and power. Whenever you work towards a worthy goal, you exercise faith. You express your faith through action- by the way you live.”

Jada showed that. She exemplified the counsel to “let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.” Jada always loved stars. She loved to draw them, she loved to decorate with them, she loved to edit all the pictures she took with a star stamp. I think of her when I think of the song,

I am like a star shining brightly,

Shining for the whole world to see

I can do and say

Happy things each day

For I know Heavenly Father loves me

Sometimes Jada was quiet and timid, and like all of us, at times unsure, but she always had the glow of knowing she was loved. She knew her friends loved her. She knew her family loved her. But most importantly, she knew her Heavenly Father loved her.

Being a missionary has taught me that if more of us really understood the love that our Heavenly Father has for us, we wouldn't do half of the silly things we do. We wouldn´t doubt His plan. We wouldn´t fear when He´s told us to have confidence. We would show more faith, and it would lead us to develop even further faith. The more I think about Jada´s life the more I realize how much she understood and exemplified that love from Heavenly Father, and as I've thought about that wonderful example, I'm starting to feel just how much Heavenly Father loves me. He trusted me enough to send me to this wonderful family. He loved me enough to give me the privilege of learning and growing with each and every one of them to prepare me to continue with that strength for the rest of my life. And He constantly reminds me of the love He has for me by giving me opportunities to prove that I trust Him.

Some of my best memories of Jada were made in the few months I spent at home before I put in mission papers, and they were in some of the most difficult months of my life because I was not putting that trust in the Lord. I had my plans for my life, and though I wanted them to be His plans for my life, I wasn't patient enough to wait and find out what He wanted. I begged and pleaded to be with those loves and interests that were not in South Florida, and for some reason, He always said that wasn't the best idea. I was frustrated and didn't understand, to this day I still don't understand all of the unanswered prayers, but I'm learning to be so grateful for His wisdom that is so far beyond my own.

Halloween, for example. The last Halloween in the US was with Jada. Almost everybody went to play with friends in Texas, and Jada and I spent the day preparing for a fantastic night. We bought atrocious leggings we weren't really sure we needed for anything, but why not have a pair of fishnets? I bought her a studded belt I'm still not sure mom´s forgiven me for. We spent hours with makeup kits trying to figure out how to make our eyes dark to have it all disappear before the end of the night anyway. We scrambled to get the truck ready for trunk or treating at the church to show up as everyone was going home because we got the time wrong. We lost the car when we went trick or treating later because we forgot where we parked. Jada giggled every few minutes because she scared me at every house. We considered ourselves lucky to find the creepy movie at Blockbuster that we wanted, AND it came with 3D glasses! Jada laughed as I tried to put the 3D glasses over my regular glasses so I could see the movie. We had such a great time, just being silly. In those few months I was at home, I got lots of opportunities like that, opportunities that I wouldn't have had if I'd not been at home preparing to go on a mission. Like driving to Disney World for her birthday, and her waking up and singing with me all the way home so I wouldn't fall asleep. Like sitting on the kitchen floor eating bowls of cereal. Like when she was sick and I picked her up early from school, and we ended up having a dress up party. When Brid and I flew in the same night and took Jada longboarding with us. There are so many things I am recognizing as the hand of the Lord in my life, even when I probably didn't deserve the intervention. He had a plan for me, and He knew I would want those memories with that darling little sister, even though I kicked and screamed about it because I couldn't see the bigger picture and didn't want to trust in someone who could.

That is something that Jada is still teaching me. She´s still teaching me to trust in that perfect plan and the perfect love with which that plan was created. Heavenly Father knew I would want and would need those memories because He knew I would be in Portugal when my family went through this. He knew Brid would be reading these words, and He knew that though I´d want so badly to be helping my family, to be running between hospital rooms like so many other wonderful people did, He knew I needed to be here, serving His other children in Portugal.

It was hard. It was really hard. I cried a lot. It was very hard to believe all the things I was hearing about my family because I was so far away. The first week I kind of walked around in a daze, not really feeling anything, just doing missionary things. And then we were teaching a lesson about the plan of salvation, and I had to say out loud all the things I knew, all the things I´ve spent the last year or so teaching and my whole life learning, but just hadn't had the courage or desire to really say out loud. But I didn't just say it, I was able to testify as a representative of the Savior that I know it´s true. I know we are here with purpose and I know that I will live with my sister again because I know my Heavenly Father loves me AND her.

I bawled as I did it. Cried and cried and cried, and my family can tell you, even in the face of disaster, I'm not a crier, I just don't know how to be, but I have never been happier in my life than I was as I solidified my confidence in the Lord's plan for us, the plan He has for my family, for Bridian, Jace, Kenyan, Aria, Nicole, Neal, AND JADA.

And it felt wonderful.

Yes, we have trials, yes, sometimes we don't understand the first things about that plan and how it´s going to work out, and sometimes we even think we know better than the Lord does. And all of those feelings come with being humans on this earth and gaining this experience of mortality, and all of this experience is for our good and for the fulfilling of this wonderful plan created for that specific purpose.

“Wherefore, beloved brethren, be reconciled unto him through the atonement of Christ, his Only Begotten Son, and ye may obtain a resurrection, according to the power of the resurrection which is in Christ, and be presented as the first-fruits of Christ unto God, having faith, and obtained a good hope of glory in him before he manifesteth himself in the flesh.”

Our goal is to be reconciled to Him who loves us the most, to Him whose work and glory is our eternal happiness, and we do that through the Atonement of Christ. It helps us to confront our challenges, and it makes it not only possible to survive tragedies, but to see the bright side of them. My cute mission president´s wife got me thinking about how much closer Jada and I are now. Jada is probably teaching all of the deceased family members of those that I am teaching now! Irmã Walton said, “They probably put her right to work!”

One of the first things I heard my mom say, my darling mother still pretty groggy from drugs less than 24 hours after the accident, was, “Lys, she made it! She´s in!”

Jada did it. She completed her mission in this life, and my work is to be worthy to live with her at my Savior´s feet. I am certain she wants us to learn from this because she wants all of us to “make it” too.

I am so grateful for this gospel. I am so grateful for the peace and happiness it brings us.

I love that girl. I am so excited to see her again, and in the meantime, I am so excited to face the adventures this life will bring so I can tell her all about it.

We'll just have to make sure Heavenly Father is okay with us eating cereal on His kitchen floor.

I love you Brid. Tell everybody there how much I love them too.

Love, Lys/Irmã Mortensen

[title from a melody, a memory by mae]